Bella's Dairy!
by lifemaker1
Summary: Bella wrote three entries in her dairy the day after Edward left! R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Dear dairy,

Life seems utterly unfair sometimes and others times it doesn't. But for me its almost always unfair and hurtful. I hate life! I wish a lot of the time god would just kill me and get it over with already. I have too many problems that hurt me but I think sometimes if I would just lose Jacob, most of my problems would go away. I hate hurting. Most of my hurting comes because I love this one guy. I don't know why I love him so much I just do. I also don't know why I don't tell my mother maybe hopefully I think she would understand. But the fact is I'm to scared to share anything with her cause I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to explode and be crazy mad or disappointed in me. People think all he wants to do is get me in bed. It pisses me off because I know thats not whats on his mind. I know its not that because he would tell me he tells me everything. He not the kind of person to hide things from me, besides if he wanted to he could have already tried. People act like we've never been alone together before because news flash we have. God damn the only thing we did was hug a couple of times and he held my hand on the way out of the movie theater once. People should ask whats going. Not just assume things because when you assume things your almost always wrong. Now I'm depressed again and feel like I have to tell him we cant talk anymore. I love him and don't to hurt him again. Why does Jacob always have to be part of the reason why I have to hurt him? It kills me it rips me apart to hurt him and I don't want him to hate me again because if he tells me he hates me again. I will kill myself because I cant have him hate me again. I think god is fighting with his angel and devil on his shoulders. Because he cant seem to make up his mind whether or not he wants me happy. Devil always seems to win. I wanna cut myself again. I want more pain because the more pain I have the more numb I am to every feeling I have running through me. I'm so about to pull out my pocket knife and slit my wrist. I'm craving to see the blood and the mark it leaves I wanna see thousands of little bloody marks running all over my wrists. Its crazy to want more pain when I'm already in so much the more the merrier right soon I will be able to make myself numb to everything around me. Maybe I will be happy then. I wish life welcomed me to happiness but unfortunately it doesn't. It welcomes me to pain, depression, and grief. If I ever have a smile on my face again just know I'm faking being happy so people wont ask so many questions. Because I don't want to have to explain how come I'm hurt and depressed because my best hurt me yet again. I wanna be alone because the only good thing in my life Edward, is gone now. Because I know that when he's gone Jacob will have a harder time hurting me. But I already be hurting because he will be gone out of my life probably forever this time. I wish I could go with him. I wish he still loved me so I could go and get way from all god damn pain and depression that there is around me. That brings me down cause I know if I was gunna be with him. Theres nothing around me to hurt me I would be happy. Because I would be with him. Age is nothing but a number to me and nothing else beside it means I have to listen to my mom. Crying, pocket knife, pain, and blood is my best friend now. I can see that when I sleep again I'm gunna be dreaming about those things. I hate everything but those four little things.

**Review Please!**


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Dear Dairy,

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Does He Know He Has My Heart??? Does He Know I Dream About Him???Does He Know I Would Give Him My Life To Save His??? Does He Know I Barely Ever Stop Talking Or Thinking About Him??? Does He Know My Existence Is All About Him???

I'm Sorry About Everything I'm Sorry That I Fell... When I First Met You I Honestly Didn't Think We Would Ever Go As Far As We Did Because Of Our weaknesses But We Did And I Did Fall But You Moved On More Than I Think I Could Ever Do. Now Its My Turn To Try... I'll Have To Try Harder Then Ever Before But I Have To Do Something Besides Waiting For Myself To Get To Where I Can Keep Up With You And Not Be Tied Down By My weakness. I'm Sorry I Love You But We Have To Stop Talking So I Can Hurt And Get Some What Heeled Because I Know I Will Never Stop Hurting From You. I Loved And Love You To Much To Stop Hurting. ***Crying*** So 　　ＧｏｏｄＢｙｅ　Ｒｅｍｅｍｂｅｒ　Ｉ　ＷＩｌｌ　Ａｌｗａｙｓ　Ｌｏｖｅ　ｙｏｕ　Ｙｏｕ'ｌｌ　Ａｌｗａｙｓ　Ｂｅ　Ｉｎ　Ｍｙ　Ｈｅａｒｔ！

**Review please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Dear Dairy,**

**Life is a strange thing when your in love! When things get rough between you and the one you love they could get better or worse. it just depends on what it is like for intense when the guy you love finds out he has a kid and its almost two and his ex want back together what do u do?! Because shes more his age and probably type and would probably last longer and he has a kid with but on the other hand he never knew that before. should he get back together with her so they can raise the baby girl together or should he just know her from a good distance and just let her know hes her father but not get back together with his ex the mother of his child. Its sort of sad because just before he found out he was saying to you he loved you and bring up the memories that you guys shared from when you first met and he calls you sweetie and sweetheart and baby. And you just want everything to stop because it hurts to to much for one heart to handle and all you really want to do is pretty much die because you are being crushed to a million pieces by this! You love him so much you decide that its best that you just let the relationship that will last longest be together even though you love and want him to your self to hold and stand in the snow or rain to kiss. hes also the one you would do anything for even if it meant that you would be jumping in front of a bullet for that person. Because nobody else besides your best friend know that you love him that much not even the guy you love, sure you have told him you love him but you have never really explained how much though. Should you text or call him and actually explain it to him should you should you really??? Life's a Bitch maybe you should just stand it or you could just stopping loving him even though you've tried millions of times before and it didn't work at all. WHY IS LIFE ALWAYS HURTING YOU HUH SHOULN'T IT BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE??!! You Should just give it the fuck up! theres just too much pain to much hurt, sadness, loss, and everything else in that category! And if you didn't understand how much it hurt from the rest of the story well heres more he just told you. you stop texting him and you lay there and listen to sad music and cry while your at your best friends house and this time you don't fall asleep you stay and try to breath because you can't anymore! just thinking why did this have to happen?! **

**Life it always brings you down when you have something good! now he probably thinks I'm a psycho!**

**~B.**

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